


5 times Shane took a step forward + 1 time Ryan did.

by Ghoulboyboos



Series: 5 + 1 against Troubling Thoughts [2]
Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: 5 plus 1, Coming Out, First Date, Fluff, Getting Together, Internalized Homophobia, Like..., M/M, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, and a bit of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-31
Updated: 2018-07-31
Packaged: 2019-06-19 11:00:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15508539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ghoulboyboos/pseuds/Ghoulboyboos
Summary: A continuation of5 times Shane had to overrule Ryan’s “No Homo” + 1 time he didn’t have to.Shane knows that even though Ryan has started to come out of his shell and question the way he feels about touch and Shane and touching Shane, they still have a long way ahead of them. Ryan has grown up around religious people with certain thoughts and assumptions. His parents didn’t instill any shame in him, but the world has managed that enough. It’s less that Ryan feels uncomfortable about queerness and more that he can’t see it in himself. He has to reconcile with a part of who he is after locking it away for many years and burying it under shame and hate.Ryan is a strong guy. He’s ambitious and kind and he works hard. Shane adores Ryan in many ways. He wants him to be happy and comfortable with himself. All of himself. Shane also knows that he can’t do it for Ryan, but he will help him where he can. Even if he has to confront him once in a while.





	5 times Shane took a step forward + 1 time Ryan did.

**Author's Note:**

> I wasn't sure if I was going to continue the series, but then I had the idea for the theme of this 5+1 and it worked and made me so happy I had to write this. A lot of blood and tears went into this and I hope all of you enjoy. Let me take this opportunity to thank you guys for your support, comments and kudos. <3 You are wonderful.

Shane knows that even though Ryan has started to come out of his shell and question the way he feels about touch and Shane and touching Shane, they still have a long way ahead of them. Ryan has grown up around religious people with certain thoughts and assumptions. His parents didn’t instill any shame in him, but the world has managed that enough. It’s less that Ryan feels uncomfortable about queerness and more that he can’t see it in himself. He has to reconcile with a part of himself after locking it away for many years and burying it under shame and hate.

 

Ryan is a strong guy. He’s ambitious and kind and he works hard. Shane adores Ryan in many ways. He wants him to be happy and comfortable with himself. All of himself. Shane also knows that he can’t do it _for_ Ryan, but he will help him where he can. Even if he has to confront him once in a while.

 

1.

 

They stand in the run down rooms of Ohio State Penitentiary and try to catch a whiff of perfume scent from some ghost lady when Ryan has a “relapse” into his old habits.

 

“You need to back up from me, I can feel your air intake.”

Shane steps forward, blinking slowly as Ryan starts making a quip about his nose and he watches Ryan back off with a nervous smile.

“I don’t- no!” Ryan interrupts his rambling as he backs off against the wall in his urge to get out of Shane’s personal bubble.

 

Between them an unspoken conversation takes place. Ryan’s eyes widen as he realizes he has done it again but Shane gives him a soft smile as if to reassure him. _I get it, it’s hard to get out of the mindset completely._ Ryan fidgets with his flashlight so he doesn’t have to stare at Shane anymore, clearly embarrassed over his reaction. Shane looks over at Mark behind the camera and shrugs. Part of this will be cut out, no question. Ryan inhales once more.

 

“Smells like old wood.”

Shane nods.

“Yeah, I was gonna say: Old wood, rotting plaster.”

 

It quickly dissolves into their usual jokes and quips. Shane gives Ryan space, fighting against the urge to step really close to him. Instead he makes an incredibly lame joke. _Smell ya later._ Really? At least it made Ryan laugh. As they later walk upstairs with the equipment not pointed at them, Ryan reaches out and brushes the back of his fingers against Shane’s hand. Shane looks over and sees an apologetic and guilty expression. He links their fingers, just for a couple of seconds and gives Ryan a smile and a nod, trying to convey that he carries no hard feelings. Ryan relaxes and lingers for a moment before he has to pull his hand away and follow TJ and Mark up to the third floor where they will face a chair in the center of a room.

 

They banter a little more this episode. Shane is wound up and frustrated, but he doesn’t want to lash out at Ryan, so instead he thinks _fuck it_ and gives up on his promise to respect the ghosts. He yells at the darkness for a couple of minutes, describing various ways a spirit or demon can make him bleed and he feels a little better afterwards.

 

2.

 

Ryan makes good on his suggestion of taking Shane out on a date. Somehow, Shane almost expected him to back out on it, even if that isn’t really fair on Ryan. He wouldn’t have been offended. A bit disappointed maybe, but he would have understood if Ryan was too afraid to push their relationship beyond what it was. But Ryan texts him, asks if the date is still on the table as if _Shane_ somehow would not want it. When Shane responds enthusiastically, putting his pride on the shelf for now, Ryan seems very excited. He starts making suggestions for places to go to dinner and Shane realizes that he is getting excited about the idea of going out with Ryan.

 

They agree to meet on Friday night. Ryan drives over to Shane’s place and picks him up so they can walk to the nice little Italian place nearby. Shane has fretted a bit over his wardrobe, because this is the first time he and Ryan are going out _on a date_. They have been going out before, even been on double dates with respective girlfriends, but this was new and he couldn’t just walk out in his flannel and jeans. Finally he settles on black slacks and the shirt with the tiny flower print he has worn to PostMortem once. After some consideration he adds a dark jean jacket because it can’t be _too_ formal. That would be weird. When Ryan rings his doorbell and Shane meets him downstairs, he pauses to take in the sight.

 

Ryan’s here to pick him up. So they can go _on a date_. He feels like flushing because Ryan does look very nice. Dark jeans and t-shirt with a blue unbuttoned shirt over it. He has gelled up his hair as he usually does and he is fussing with it before he spots Shane. For a moment they just stand across from each other with hesitant smiles on their face.

 

“Hey, Ryan. You good?”

Ryan smiles.

“Yeah. You?”

“Same.”

They stare at each other for a moment before the tension cracks and they start to chuckle.

“Okay, big guy, let’s go. Come on.”

 

Shane smirks and follows Ryan who is already turning. Part of him wants to take his hand, but it’s probably a bit too much right now. He sneaks glances at Ryan, though, as they are walking side by side and Ryan glances back sometimes. He looks nervous, but happy and his smile is bright and Shane really wants this to go well.

 

They reach the Italian place without problem. Ryan tells the waiter his name for the reservation and Shane can see out of the corner of his eyes that his hands shake a little. He remembers going on a coffee date with some dude in college and how nervous he had been. Every second he had expected someone to scoff at them or throw slurs around or ask the owner to make them leave. Nothing had happened, they had even held hands without anyone caring, but Shane remembers all of it vividly. Ryan is a habitual worrier. He intensifies all of his own freak-outs and Shane can only hope that tonight will still be nice for Ryan. He wants him to be happy and comfortable, not scared. The waiter doesn’t bat an eye at the reservation for two and Shane can see Ryan’s tense shoulders relax a bit as they are shown their table. It’s nice. The restaurant is held in a simple and clean style. Cream tablecloths and a little tealight in a small lead glass lamp are the only decorations on the table and they ease into a conversation about work and conspiracies and movies as they always do. Shane sees Ryan’s fingers tap on the menu nervously and makes a note of that for later. While they are waiting for their food and start the evening off easily with two glasses of wine, Ryan is fidgeting with the cuffs of his shirt.

 

Shane takes pity on him and reaches over to cup Ryan’s hand under his own. Ryan looks up at him, surprised and then his eyes dart to the side quickly, checking all the other tables with guests as if anyone is going to jump up and point them out. Shane squeezes his hand very softly to grab his attention.

 

“Hey, if you’re uncomfortable, we can leave.”

Ryan’s eyes widen and Shane can see his jaw moving. To his credit, he only thinks about it a moment before giving Shane an answer:

“No! I want to stay.”

Ryan flips over his hand so their palms are brushing together.

“I think I will be a little uncomfortable for a long time, maybe forever. But I can’t let that get in between me and you. I am happy… here. I want to be with you and I want to go on dates with you. But it can be really hard and I don’t want to make _you_ uncomfortable just because I am.”

Shane’s heart feels warm and happy and he takes Ryan’s hand for real. Their fingers lace together and he leans a bit closer so he can talk softly.

“You’re doing great. Don’t worry about me. I want you to have a good time. Because so far, I am.”

“Oh. Really?”

Shane chuckles and half hides behind his free hand.

“Yes, Ryan. I am having fun and a good time. I am happy because I like being around you and because I had hoped we might go out one day. So of course I’m content now.”

  
Ryan smiles at him and for a moment he is unrestrained and unafraid. The pure joy makes Shane feel things he can’t address right now, so he simply smiles back and rubs his thumb over the back of Ryan’s hand.

 

The rest of the evening is spent with good food and jokes and banter and it feels very much like it usually does when they hang out, but just a little bit different. Shane’s happy and going by Ryan’s expression, he is, too.

 

At some point, Ryan pays – he insists – and they make their way back on foot, side by side with their hands in their pockets. They chat like they always do. Ryan mentions the ridiculous accent the waiter was trying to do which _sounded_ like it was supposed to be Italian but definitely wasn’t. It escalates into them saying things like “Si, yes, mi name is Luigi and zis is Italian!” in horrid accents that are probably fueled by the wine and they laugh a lot.

 

When they stop in front of the Apartment complex and Shane says: “Well, this is me” Ryan suddenly seems shy. He looks anywhere but Shane’s face and mutters something about nice time and see you and Shane touches his shoulder.

 

“Hey Ryan? I had a really good time tonight. That was fun. Not much different than usual but still… a little different. And I liked that.”

Ryan breaks into a smile.

“Really?”

“Yeah. It was good.”

“Okay. That’s- okay. Good. I’m glad. I had fun too.”

Shane chuckles to himself. He leans a bit closer.

“Can I kiss you goodnight?”

Ryan’s eyes widen and he looks at him slightly frozen. Shane doesn’t feel bad about giving him a way out:

“If you’re not one to kiss on the first date, that’s cool, too.”

“No I am! I mean- Shit that sounded stupid.”

They both laugh and Ryan catches himself. He looks around. Shane doesn’t follow his gaze, he knows Ryan is making sure they aren’t being watched. He would be lying if he said he didn’t still do it. Finally, Ryan looks at him.

“I mean. I would like that. If you k-kissed me. Goodnight. I mean now.”

The corner of Shane’s mouth twitches but Ryan gives him his “don’t you do it” expression so he doesn’t make fun of it. Yet.

He reaches up and cups the side of Ryan’s face in his hand, feeling him stiffen for a moment before he leans into it. His cheek is warm against Shane’s palm and he feels a bit of a stubble. He takes a step forward, leaning over Ryan as he ducks his head and he doesn’t miss that Ryan’s eyes close and he leans up, even pushing on his tiptoes a little.

Shane kisses him. He keeps it short and chaste. Just a simple press of lips upon lips, a surprised happy little sigh from Ryan and then he leans back.

Ryan opens his eyes and looks at him with a bit of awe, before that bright smile splits his face again.

“That was nice.”

Shane’s shoulders shake with a suppressed laugh.

“I’m glad.”

Ryan scoffs and very softly punches him in the arm.

“You know what I mean.”

“I know what you mean.”

They just look at each other for a moment, taking in the other’s face unable to keep their smiles from growing.

“Goodnight, Shane. See you on Monday?”

Shane nods. He unlocks the front door and pushes it open.

“Get home safe. You can text me later, if you like.”

Ryan seems to think about it for a moment, maybe realizing that their usual text conversations are going to be a little different now. Tonight, it would be a text to someone you just went on a date with. If he worries about it, it doesn’t show.

“Yeah. I’ll text you and let you know my Uber didn’t take me to Mexico.”

Shane shakes his head and rolls his eyes fondly.

“Alright. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”

When the door closes behind him, he doesn’t call the elevator. He slowly walks up the stairs thinking about tonight. Before he opens his apartment door he pauses and brings his hand to his lips. His fingers trace where Ryan’s lips had been pressed against and he catches himself smiling. Then he unlocks his door and closes it behind him.

 

Ryan texts him 20 minutes later saying that everything is okay.

 

3.

 

They don’t flaunt it at work. Ryan is too nervous, too scared, too in-the-closet and Shane, while really hoping he can help him out, knows not to push him. If Ryan wanted to come out, he would have to come out to himself first, then everyone else. Shane would rather eat a hundred baggage-claim hot dogs than out Ryan to their friends.

 

The video he was in picks up a bit of interest. A couple employees pause when they run into him and chat for a couple of minutes. He gets several congratulations for his Coming Out and a lot of support. It’s nice. It feels very good but also very weird. Part of it embarrasses him but mostly, it’s nice. Ryan is sometimes around when people bring up the video. At first he takes himself out of the conversations completely, but he slowly opens up. Most of his input is supporting Shane. Despite all the shit Ryan deals with when it comes to queerness, he openly and enthusiastically praises Shane in the video. Not unlike when he talked about Ruining History, Ryan likes to emphasize when Shane has done well. He points out Shane’s eloquence in the video and how easy he talks about his sexuality. Ryan says something among the lines of “He can put himself out there in a world I can’t even imagine” and something tugs on Shane’s heart. The others see it as support. An ally standing in for a queer friend. Shane, who has the code to Ryan’s cipher sees the frustration and sadness in between the lines. When the others leave, Shane checks the lounge they’re in. Right now, they are alone. Ryan is leaning next to the water cooler and he looks like he’s lost in thought. Shane takes a step forward and crowds into his space. Ryan looks up at him, first surprised then smiling. His eyes scan the lounge as well. When he’s sure they’re alone, he lets Shane envelop him in a hug. Ryan puts his head on Shane’s shoulder and exhales.

 

“Maybe one day I’ll be as brave as you.” He whispers into Shane’s flannel shirt.

 

Shane already thinks he is. He places a kiss on Ryan’s head and just holds him.

 

4.

 

It’s Friday. Shane has been researching for his new Ruining History episode the entire week now. There are actual _books_ which he had gotten from the _library_ on his desk and he feels like he’s in fucking college. The folder with his notes rests on top of the books to hide the title from Ryan’s eyes because he doesn’t want him to spoil the episode for himself.

Ryan has been going through the Unsolved episodes taking notes on everything and Shane isn’t entirely sure what he’s doing but he knows Ryan will tell him when it comes up. He stares at a line about middle-eastern aristocracy without reading it for far too long when shouting outside of the office area catches his attention.

A gaggle of employees comes in, Curly in front who waves a little rainbow flag. Shane gets up to see what the fuss is about and can see Jen who is darting from table to table.

 

“Pride! Pa-rade! Pride! Pa-rade!”

 

Curly shouts are being backed by several of the group. From somewhere at the other end of the office he can hear cheers and an answering chant.

 

He sees movement out of the corner of his eyes. Ryan has taken off his headphones and frowns a little.

 

“What the f-”

 

“Pride Pa-rade!”

 

Jen has danced to their desks, waving a couple sheets of something printed. It looks shiny.

“Hey, guys!”

Shane chuckles at the enthusiasm.

“Hey Jen, what’s up?”

“I figured you heard it, but okay.” She looks around pointedly at Curly’s following. Shane can see Kane shoot a party popper at a set of desks, causing the people seated there to break out in shouts of mock anger about confetti raining into their coffee mugs.

“I just didn’t catch it, you guys aren’t exactly on the nose about it, I just don’t know...” He mockingly frowns, rubbing his chin as if he is thinking really hard. Jen rolls her eyes.

“Are you coming with us to L.A. pride? It’s Sunday and it’s gonna be fun. We’re recruiting right now.”

“Huh, and here I thought all that talk about recruitment was heterosexual lies.”

She bursts into laughter and Shane chuckles.

“You’re one weird motherfucker, Shane.” She says fondly. “So, are you coming with us?”

 

Shane shrugs. He resists the urge to turn around and ask Ryan. Not because thinking of Ryan going to pride makes him warm and fuzzy inside, but because… well, they are a _thing_. They kind of were a thing even before they were dating. A package deal, if you will. Instead he shrugs again and keeps his eyes on Jen.

“I don’t know yet. I’m not great in super sunny weather, but it should be fun. I’ll try to come, okay?”

She huffs a little disappointed and then nods.

“Okay, fine.” She is about to turn back to the group when she stops herself.

 

“Oh right, you want one?”

 

She holds out the sheets of paper she’s been holding. They are sticker sheets with different pride flags on it. Jen already wears a rainbow flag in the middle of her tank top. She starts peeling off one of the bisexual pride flags and looks at Shane questioningly. He suddenly feels a little shy. Jen doesn’t seem the type to be taken aback if he refuses. Him being open about being bi is still new, but when he looks at the sticker, he feels a yearning that cracks the shell. He takes a step forward and puffs out his chest.

 

“Sure. Stick me!”

 

Jen grins and peels the sticker off completely, helping Shane to press it on the breast pocket of his jean jacket. It sits there like a name tag, the gradient from purple to pink bright against the dark fabric of his jacket. Shane looks up and gives Jen a thumbs up, she holds up her hand in answer and they high five. Then she glances around Shane’s shoulder.

 

“What about you, Ryan? Do you wanna come and party with us on Sunday?”

 

Shane turns around. Ryan is sitting in his chair, leaning back and watching them with wide eyes. His gaze flickers to the pride sticker on Shane’s chest but it doesn’t linger there. Slowly, Ryan shrugs.

“Uh. I don’t know...”

“Straights can come!” Jen says encouragingly. “It’s a party, allies can party with us. You wouldn’t be the only straight person there. Keith is going, Becky is going and so is Maycie. And I think Ned and Ariel want to join us, too.”

Shane sees Ryan’s face close off as he is sinking into his chair a little. He mutters something close to a “maybe” and Jen frowns in confusion. Before she can question it, Curly blows into what must be the most annoying party trumpet he could find and shouts:

 

“Queers to me! Let’s go to the next floor!”

 

“Oh shit gotta go.” Jen turns and rushes after them. “Hope to see you then, Shane!” She shouts over her shoulder and Shane waves after her.

 

He slowly lowers his hand and turns to look at Ryan. The rest of the office is busy chatting about their coworkers or cleaning up the confetti and paper streamers they have left behind. Ryan is staring at his screen – or maybe through it – worrying his bottom lip between his teeth. Shane feels his heart sting at the sight and he slowly walks over and lowers himself into his chair.

 

“Hey.” He says softly and Ryan’s eyes flicker to his face. “We don’t have to go. I don’t have to go. We can just hang out and watch a movie or go to Disneyland or some shit.”

 

Ryan sighs and buries his face in his hands. He rubs at his forehead and temples, finally just aggressively scrubbing his face before dropping his hands again. His skin has a tinge of redness to it and his eyebrows are still knitted together. Shane looks around real quick, making sure everyone is still focused on their own things and slowly puts a hand on Ryan’s arm. Part of him expects to be shrugged off, but Ryan actually relaxes a little bit. He looks down at Shane’s hand and slowly, as if scared lifts his own to place it on top of Shane’s. When he meets eyes with Shane again, he is smiling a little bit.

 

5.

 

Later that night, they hang out at Shane’s place. They make an unhealthy amount of popcorn, set up a playlist for the first season of Stranger Things (it’s good, it has rewatch value, okay?) and cuddle on the couch. Kisses still make Ryan tense, but hugs and cuddles are fine. Shane suspects that Ryan actually grew to love them. When Shane puts an arm around his back, Ryan drops his head on Shane’s shoulder, wraps an arm around his middle and pulls up a leg to half entangle it with Shane’s long ones. Shane leans his cheek on Ryan’s hair and wonders if the other man is a little touch-starved. He didn’t date much since he broke up with Helen and even if he had gotten around, one-night stands can only do so much before you need someone to give you a really good hug.

 

Shane doesn’t notice what Ryan is doing until he feels the tickle on his chest. He looks down. Ryan has been running his pointer finger over the pride flag sticker that is still on Shane’s jacket. One of the corners has come loose and Ryan is apparently trying to smooth it out and press the sticker back onto the rough fabric. Shane watches him for a moment. The flicker of the TV screen is mirrored in Ryan’s big dark eyes and Shane’s heart picks up speed a little. Ryan looks up and freezes, feeling caught. Shane smiles at him and kisses his forehead, relieved when Ryan sighs and half closes his eyes.

 

“Shane?”

“Hmm?”

“I wouldn’t mind going to … L.A. Pride. Would you?”

 

Shane pauses. His hand rubs circles on Ryan’s back while he is weighing his options. He would like to go to pride, to party a bit, maybe have some rainbow body paint smeared in his face. Dancing with their friends, watching people dressed in ridiculously fun outfits… it sounds. Nice. Welcoming. Somewhere where he can be himself. All of himself. But he is fine with passing on it if Ryan is uncomfortable. Finally, Shane speaks. He chooses his words carefully.

 

“I think it could be fun. But being here can also be fun. If you don’t mind going, we better stay here. But if you _want_ to go, I would love to take you to pride. I’ve been before. Before I was… out.”

He frowns. It still feels a bit weird to say.

“It’s weird and loud and a _lot_ but it’s fun. And it would be a lot of fun with you.”

Ryan smiles at that.

“Then let’s go.” He whispers. “I want to go.”

Shane’s cheeks hurt as his smile widens.

“Really?”

 

“Yeah!”

 

Shane whoops and gets up, pulling Ryan with him and into a tight hug. He feels Ryan’s cheek squished against his chest, right where his heart is and hears him laugh and complain about Shane smothering him. Shane laughs and lets go. Ryan is flushed and grins as he backs off a bit, looking over Shane with a weird expression, a very soft one. Shane, suddenly bold, shrugs off the jacket he is still wearing. He takes a step forward and carefully places the garment around Ryan’s shoulders. Ryan looks down where the pride sticker is still and after a moment of hesitation, pushes his arms through the sleeves. They’re a bit tight, because Ryan’s biceps is ridiculous and the jacket in total is maybe a little long, but Ryan fills it okay and when he tugs on the front to make it sit properly on his shoulders, the pride sticker sits on his slightly swelled chest.

 

“Do I look good in this?”

 

“You look good in anything,” Shane says a bit too quickly, “but especially good in this.”

 

He reaches out as if to smooth the jacket out, but instead he just places a hand underneath the sticker. A small smile is playing on Ryan’s face as he looks up at Shane. Shane ducks his head and kisses him. Ryan reaches up and cups his face in his hands and Shane sighs softly as Ryan takes over the kiss.

 

+1

 

Pride is loud and colorful and Shane has forgotten how hot it is in total. The street is stuffed with rainbow floats and hundreds and thousands of people between them. Dancers, Drag Queens, people in leather and latex (who probably are sweating themselves to death), others in angel and devil costumes, some in full body paint over tiny string thongs… It’s a lot.

 

But it’s fun. Their friends and colleagues are there and they are having the time of their lives, drinking and dancing and cheering. Ryan has quickly been swept up in the mood, watching the floats with bright eyes and laughing at the antics of some of the people in the parade. Shane makes a bit of a show of using his body as a shield for his friends as a rain of matchbook-wrapped condoms comes down on them and Ryan is laughing and clutching to his middle as he ducks behind him and nobody comments on it.

 

A float goes by that shoots brightly colored dust in the air, trailing a cloud of rainbow behind it and coating the sweating dancers behind the float in it. They don’t seem to mind, simply clapping along and Shane catches movement in the corner of his eye. Ryan is partially covered in yellow and green which sticks to the shoulder of his jacket and apparently, he tries to brush it off. But then, he pauses, glances at the newly affixed Bi Pride sticker on Shane’s t-shirt and lowers his hand without patting at the colors. Shane’s stomach does a tiny flip and he reaches out a hesitant arm and slowly places it around Ryan. He expects Ryan to twist out of it as the shorter man stiffens, but then Ryan relaxes and places an arm around Shane’s middle in return. He looks up at him and grins and Shane leans closer a bit. Ryan’s eyes widen and Shane stops and looks around, trying to locate their friends.

 

Ned and Ariel who had been staying close by are in the process of grabbing drinks. Curly and his “entourage” went somewhere he doesn’t know if he wants to know and Jen…

 

Jen is standing in front of them and she has just half-turned to them, maybe to catch their reaction to the very sparkly car that just passed and she catches them inches apart from each others’ faces staring back at her.

 

For a second, time seems to stop. Shane can’t hear the pounding music and the cheers and screams. He can’t feel the sweat running down his brow and back. All his senses zero in are the feeling of Ryan in his arm and the sight of Jen staring, mouth half opened. He swallows. His arm loosens his grip in case Ryan wants to bolt. It would hurt but Shane would get it. He slowly turns to Ryan.

 

Ryan seems just as frozen. His mouth opens as if he wants to say something, but he stays quiet. He looks up at Shane. Shane smiles a little and looks back at Jen. Then, Ryan moves out of Shane’s embrace and takes a step forward without letting go of Shane himself. He pulls him with, closer to Jen and Ryan clears his throat.

 

“Jen… I- Keep this between us for now, okay?” When she nods slowly he takes a deep breath and continues: “Shane and I… we’ve been going out for a couple of weeks. It’s still new and I’m… I’m...”

He frowns. Shane moves so Ryan’s hand slips from his waist far enough so he can grab it. It’s a grip he hopes is reassuring. He catches how Ryan slowly starts to smile.

“I guess I haven’t said it. But I’m not as straight as I thought I was. I guess I might be… bisexual? Or pansexual? Something in that area, at least.”

He is very red and nervous but the hand holding Shane’s is still and sure. Shane feels pride blossom in his chest and he wants to chime in but he realizes he is choking up so he stays quiet and just keeps holding Ryan’s hand. Ryan continues talking.

“You’re one of my best friends and you deserve to know. I was just… scared and confused for a while. That’s why we kept it to ourselves. We… still kind of do.”

Jen has turned fully to them, parade behind her forgotten. Her eyes are wide but there is a ghost of a smile on her face.

“Oh Ryan...” She breaks out into a full, happy smile and reaches out to pull Ryan into a hug. Ryan is a little startled, but he uses his free arm to hug her back. Shane can see him screw his eyes shut, emotions clearly getting the better of him.

“I’m so happy for you.” Jen says loud enough for Shane to hear. She looks up. “I’m so happy for you both!”

Her eyes are actually shining with a hint of unshed tears and she pulls Shane into a hug as well.

 

Ryan laughs and his voice is thick and then he has to pause to rub at his eyes.

“You know… I haven’t actually told anyone before. I have never said it out loud.”

He hiccups a little and Shane pulls him into his arms. Jen moves a little so she can hold both of them despite her small frame and Ryan buries himself into Shane’s chest.

 

“I like Shane.” He whispers in the little cocoon. “I really really like Shane a lot. And I want this...”

He gestures vaguely towards the rainbow colored party around them.

“But it’s really scary and really hard.”

Jen hums. She looks up at Shane with a sympathetic smile on her face before returning her attention to Ryan.

“I know, Ryan. We know. But I’m always here if you need to talk, okay?”

Ryan nods and Jen looks at Shane again.

“That goes for you, too.”

Shane smiles.

“Thank you, Jen.”

“Thank _you_ for telling me.”

Ryan sniffles.

“It felt… really good to say it.”

Shane kisses the top of his head.

 

They disentangle eventually. Ryan dabs at his eyes with his sleeve and Shane keeps holding his hand and Jen is smiling at them, proud and happy. Finally, they get distracted enough because the parade goes on and their friends return with drinks and a float with some really good music and amazingly decorated dancers comes by so they can jump around as much as they want and Ryan is laughing and Shane feels like he could swallow the world whole.

 

That night, Ryan comes home with Shane and they lie in bed and just kiss and hold each other. Ryan is more affectionate than usual, for once showing no signs of the repression he would even carry with him when he and Shane were alone. He pulls Shane on top of him, tries to be enveloped whole and he giggles as Shane pulls the covers over them and creates a makeshift little cave they can snuggle up in. For a while, they do nothing but make out lazily and hold each other. Shane buries his face in Ryan’s hair and Ryan strokes his sides softly. It’s quiet for a while, until Ryan speaks up.

“Hey, Shane?”

“Hmm?” Shane kisses just below Ryan’s ear and enjoys how Ryan’s fingers dig a little into his back.

“I love you.”

Shane sucks in a breath. He sits up, letting the blanket fall away so the lamp on his bedside table sheds light on Ryan’s face and he can take it in. Ryan’s expression is soft. It’s not completely devoid of fear and nervousness, but it’s calm enough and he is smiling. Shane brings a hand up to his mouth as he tastes tears in the back of his throat.

“Ryan...”

“I think I have for a while, but I was too afraid to think about it. And then… today when you hugged me at the parade… when you held me and when I knew that Jen knew and people in our lives could actually… know of this. That we as a couple could be reality... I realized that I love you. And I know it’s early, way too early… but I wanted you to know, anyway.”

Shane cups Ryan’s face and kisses him. He presses against him and tries to will away the sob that builds in his throat. There is an answer hidden behind his front teeth and he wonders if Ryan can taste it, taste the love and affection Shane is feeling and his heart is beating so hard against his ribs it hurts. Ryan pulls him in until they are chest to chest and Shane feels that Ryan must go through a similar pain with the strong thrum in his chest.

They part slowly, not wanting to let each other go and Shane searches Ryan’s face in wonder, feels so much awe over how a couple of months have changed “Our hands touched, that was weird” into _this_. Ryan in his arms, in his bed, kissing him and telling him that he loves him.

“I love you, Ryan.”

There is no sob, no tears, no pain. Just relief. Shane feels a smile split his face and it’s mirrored by Ryan. His boyfriend ( _oh god_ ) beams and throws his arms around Shane, kissing him again and they roll across the bed until Ryan is settled comfortably on Shane’s chest. He breaks the kiss in favor to look at Shane and Shane settles back into the pillows and runs a hand over Ryan’s back.

 

“Thank you.”

Shane frowns.

“For what?”

“Everything.”

Ryan laces their fingers together and lies his head on Shane’s chest. Shane’s heart is not beating as heavily as before. He feels calm.

“In that case… thank you as well.”

Ryan laughs. The rumble is a pleasant vibration on top of Shane. He slowly snakes his arms around Shane’s shoulders and drags himself up to kiss him once more.

When the kiss breaks, both of them are smiling against each other’s mouth and Shane hums happily and whispers:

“I could get used to this.”

Ryan grins and kisses him again.

“Me too, big guy, me too.”


End file.
